Here We Go Again!

Sooooo…have you heard?  The FDA is CONSIDERING banning some black women’s hair care products!

Yes, you heard that right.

After decades of pain, forced compliance and emotional damage, at long last, the FDA is finally CONSIDERING banning some of these products?   Should we celebrate?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

After all this time, they are just now weighing their options???

Tell me something…is the fact that both the companies producing these products AND various members in the government have known for generations that they were carcinogenic even remotely a factor in this uncertain decision?  

Unbelievable!

I wonder what it will take to get an actual ban?

Straightened hair bursting into flames spontaneously maybe? 

I wonder how a ban on such products would go…considering the fact that, for generations, black women and men have been forced by both the titans of American Industry AND various governmental bodies within the American government to use these products because the very hair that grows out of their heads was deemed unattractive, socially unacceptable, unprofessional and unfit?

In all the legal arguments for a ban, would these experts be forced to reckon with, or at least acknowledge the fact that black people would face even more discrimination and racism if they refused to comply with these horrifically prejudiced judgments?  Would that carry a little weight?  

And yes, make no mistake, both black women AND black men were indeed forced to use these products. They used these products under duress due to the very real threat of being unemployable and therefore unworthy of livelihood and the ability to thrive.  Even today, all you have to do is look up the madness surrounding the Crown Act (and the evil comments and vitriol so many people are directing at black people’s natural, God-given hair) to see what black people are still dealing with. 

As if years of slavery, rape, pillaging, robbing, sharecropping, Jim Crow, Redlining, Black Codes and continued mistreatment in these United States were not enough, the very hair out of their heads was policed and disparaged!!!

How much more do black people have to endure in this Land of the free and the home of the brave?

Perhaps more issues with fertility? More cancers?  More “mystery” illnesses that have been inflicted on black women and men for years without resolution or restitution?  More deaths, anyone?

What’s a few more years of suffering, shame, sickness or even deaths whilst the FDA ponder their decision?

And what good is a ban anyway?  

A ban on these carcinogenic drugs marketed as hair care products doesn’t address the fact that it was the policy of both the private sector and the United States government to not only allow but mandate the use of said products?

So, in the case of the almost inevitable avalanche of lawsuits that will result even after an actual ban, what responsibility should the government assume for their part in this latest social malady that, in all honesty, feels oh so reminiscent of other unethical misdeeds perpetrated against black women and men in these United States?

What reparations should the government be willing to pay for allowing, mandating and upholding the use of unsafe hair care products in order for black women and black men to gain acceptance, employment and overall livelihood??

Furthermore, what does a ban mean for the countless black women and men who have already lost their very lives as a result of unexplained, mystery illnesses possibly acquired as a result of being forced to live their lives under the oppression of someone else’s standard of beauty? 

And what of those who altered their appearance by using these dangerous hair care products because they internalized the prejudicial belief the very hair that grows out of their heads was unattractive, socially unacceptable, unprofessional, unfit after decades of mental conditioning?  

What sort of therapy is owed for that? 

And what of other black women and men currently suffering from illnesses as a result of the use of these products?  Will the ban help them?   

And what of those that will be diagnosed with illnesses in the future? Will something be set aside for them as well? 

How will an actual ban help ALL of these people…much less only the consideration of one?

Where is the responsibility—or apology—for these actions both deliberate and incidental (incidental, not accidental)?

Speaking of…where is the punishment for the mass murders, mass physical abuse and mass mental indoctrination that stripped black women and men of quality of life?  What about those who, in many cases, sought and are currently seeking unnecessary treatments that lead to the consumption of OTHER unnecessary drugs to combat unexplained but associated symptoms and illnesses from approved hair care products from long ago?

More to the point, why are we supposed to continue to sit back and watch billions of dollars being dispersed for foreign aid for victims of atrocities for which the United States of America has no direct responsibility while the tragedies that it IS actually responsible for are largely ignored?

Where is the concern from the masses, the punitive damages from the guilty and compensation to those individuals living within the United States of America who have been and continue to be victimized by those in positions of power?  What, if anything, will happen to those who continue to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye?  

And if all of that isn’t bad enough, what’s going to be done about the unscrupulous lawyers waiting to take advantage of already disenfranchised black women and men by charging forty percent or more to represent some of the more egregious cases?  Are all of these things being considered as well?  If not, shouldn’t they be?

Can anybody hear me?

Forgiveness, Apologies and Repentance

I struggle with forgiveness and apologies.

There, I said it.

And, since I’m being totally honest, I might add that I’ve always struggled with forgiveness in particular.

Yes. 

Even after receiving the seemingly heartfelt apology.  

Yes.

Even after viewing the gallon-sized teardrops. 

Yes. 

Even after receiving promises of full restitution, I still struggle with letting it sink in and then letting it all go.

Why?

I mean, it’s not as if I haven’t done wrong or wronged others.  And it’s not as if I’m not standing in the need of prayer or forgiveness for myself.

In fact, it should come as no surprise that, like many of us, I’ve had to issue many more apologies than I’m comfortable with discussing. To be completely honest, some of these apologies hurt me so badly because I saw how much my thoughtless words or actions had devastated someone.  True, I didn’t always see or recognize the pain I caused at first.  But, when it was brought to my attention, I always tried to respond accordingly.

However, when it’s my turn to be on the receiving end of an apology, I always seem to wax profoundly analytical.

Okay. 

At this point, some of you may be wondering why that is.  Do I have trust issues?  Intimacy issues?  Difficulty reading emotions and emotional cues?  Am I simply being hypocritical and wanting forgiveness but refusing to give it? 

Others can probably fully understand my concerns when it comes to forgiveness, as they might have similar issues.  However, for those of you who are probably not as clear about why I struggle with apologies since I don’t have difficulty issuing one, I’ll explain.

I think the underlying emotions I’ve had since childhood are what make me overly suspicious of the motives of others… especially when they apologize or seek my forgiveness.  That’s because when people have betrayed or harmed me in the past, they often didn’t apologize.  They just disappeared or allowed time to pass and then returned one day as if nothing at all had ever happened.  And if I’m not receptive to their sudden reappearance, then I’m tagged as unforgiving.  So, on top of the original indignity, that person will now be angry at me for the crime of still being angry at them.  In one fell swoop, they have successfully changed the conversation from wrongdoing on their part to a lack of “decency” on mine. 

It’s not THEIR wrong against ME that’s the problem.  It’s MY refusal to move on and leave the past in the past. 

Call me crazy, but I feel like the seeming ease of others to decide time after time that, no matter what I’ve contributed to their lives, I barely ranked as important enough to receive a fake apology might have contributed greatly to my cynicism.  In fact, just the knowledge that I was always so expendable lingers around me like day old garbage!

I know.  I know, this probably sounds like a well thought out excuse for me not to forgive others while wanting those whom I’ve wronged to forgive me.  But, nothing could be further from the truth.  And, that would not only be extremely unfair but hypocritical to boot.

So, trust me, it’s not that at all.  Really, it all boils down to the fact that apologies are a dime a dozen.

Let’s face it, from childhood we are taught to say “sorry” without really thinking about the actual offense or the lingering damage.  We just say “sorry” because we want the situation to be over and done with.  We want things to return to “normal” so we can continue playing the game of the moment without further discomfort.  

As grownups, we want the same hurried outcome and often resort to quick or routine apologies to that end!  And, if questioned, will even fall to anger when we feel “sorry” didn’t cut it.  

Granted, I think we can all agree that “sorry” does cover a lot of mishaps. But, what we don’t seem to grasp is that the overuse of “sorry,” especially for the same or similar offenses, renders the apology ineffective if not totally moot.  

For me, that’s what makes most apologies—the few that I receive anyway—so hard to accept.  When I’ve apologized in the past, I then tried my best not to do the same thing again.  It just didn’t seem reasonable to me to end up in the exact same position for the exact same offense. 

So now, instead of an apology, I request some form of repentance, which sometimes leaves people awestruck.  Now some will say repentance is reserved for God.  Others will say repentance and an apology are the same!  I dare say that they are both wrong!

Before you stone me, hear me out. 

Ever wonder why, in the Bible, we are tasked with repentance not an apology?

That’s because an apology has no stipulations that includes future offenses.  Plainly stated, you can be a repeat offender and a repeat apologizer.  However, repentance has a built-in clause.  With repentance/forgiveness/healing, the offenders are told to “go and sin no more.”  This not only makes it clear that repentance carries a lot more weight than an apology but it also clarifies that repentance means to cease and desist, making forgiveness much more natural, tolerable, doable and ultimately acceptable to both parties. 

Finally, for all those who believe people aren’t forgiven unless they are allowed back into your life, let me just say that they too are totally mistaken.  In fact, just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you have to have any further dealings with them.  It means you let go of ill-will or any ill feelings you may be harboring towards them.  And, if someone is truly repentant for the pain they have caused you, they will not only understand your reluctance to deal with them but they will further understand that the debt might be paid, but the trust is gone.  That being said, if said offender really wanted to be allowed back into your life, they would not only work hard to prove themselves worthy of your trust, but they will allow you enough time and space to heal without pressure.  That’s what you do when you realize you’ve done something wrong and you truly want to make amends. 

Can anybody hear me?

Coronavirus 2020

To all those individuals who thought electing a President with zero political experience, questionable business savvy and zero discipline or self control, what say you now?

Do you still believe you made an intelligent choice?

Do you still believe that the Office of the President should have been used as an “On the Job” training position?

Given what you know today, do you continue to stand behind your decision?  Are you still happy with your choice?

Let’s be honest.  Not only is Trump inexperienced in handling the Office of the Presidency on a good day but, as someone whose entire campaign and presidency was based on as many fears as he could dredge up, he is completely incapable of dealing with Americans on a bad day as well.  He totally lacks the knowledge and demeanor to express himself to people who are scared out of their minds regarding this present pandemic!

But, why is this?

He is flanked by experts standing to his left and to his right who have prepared themselves through years of study and experience.  Yet, he continues to stumble and provide false information to the public, as well as to ignore their very contrasting information.

So, here’s my next question: why have them standing there at all if he’s going to ignore them?  What’s the point?

It’s bad enough that for some two or three weeks straight, we watched President Trump move from totally ignoring COVID-19 even as it continued to wreak havoc with adjacent countries to referring to it as a liberal/fake news hoax orchestrated by the Democratic Party to finally acknowledging the authenticity of the virus.  But even worse than that is, even with his acknowledgement, it was painfully obvious to everyone that he had no particular course of action planned…despite this very scenario being part of an exercise his transition team took part in just a few short years ago.

Now, a few weeks into a total shutdown of major cities within the US, the citizens most affected by this shutdown are unsure of what’s being done, what to do or not do and what their lives will be like on Monday.  Worst of all, we continue day after day to play an old parlor game I lovingly call, ‘Wait and See’:

*Wait and see if you receive ‘the check’ being hinted at by the President during more than a few, hard to listen to, discombobulated speeches but not yet fully confirmed or broken down with which associated legal hoops you’ll have to jump through!

*Wait and see if ‘the check’ will arrive in time to keep you from starving, sitting in darkness, becoming homeless, becoming hopeless.

*Wait and see if ‘the check’ will be enough to even matter.

*Wait and see if your utility, cable, insurance companies et al., which are sending out so many heartfelt emails about their commitment to us, will send out an email that would put us at ease by simply stating that customers get a free month of service.  So far, they only speak of deferring and prorating bills instead of any real relief or release…which means we’ll be playing another parlor game known as ‘catch up’ until we can’t.

Here’s another question:  Even if everything is going well for you, do you know anybody who isn’t so lucky?  Do you know anyone whose home, children’s education, etc, are being threatened?  Hanging in the balance?  Or worse, hanging by a thread?  Do you care?

Are you still going to say you’re happy with the President even after hearing story after story about these things?  Are you still too stubborn to admit that a businessman who bankrupted his own companies some six times may not have been a great choice to run a country that requires concern for its citizenry over business?

Can anybody hear me?

 

APOLOGIES FOR ME

I don’t know about you but, I do the same thing at the end of every year!  Unfortunately, this includes waxing a little sad.  You see, it’s that time again.  It’s time for me to review the outgoing year, with as much honesty as I can muster!!  From the negative to the positive, I try to take an objective look in my mirror and assess what I have accomplished, who I have hurt, what I could have done better, etc!!

Yes, I said “try” because all you can do is try.  Mind you, I don’t beat up on myself or anything like that.  But, if I am minimally honest, I normally need to issue at least two to three apologies!

With any luck, the recipients will be unreachable!  LOL!

In the event that they are reachable, I contact them and just get it over with as quickly as possible.

Admittedly, apologies don’t come easy for me.  I guess if we are even remotely honest, not many people like to apologize.  We’d rather be the recipient of an apology.  However, I have found out it can be very medicinal, humbling and cleansing to your soul.

I try to tread lightly since I never know how the recipient of my apology is going to respond. Sometimes, the recipient didn’t even anticipate an apology from me at all.  Sometimes, I have to remind the individual of what happened and why I am apologizing—which somewhat diminishes either my remaining guilt or the impact of the groveling.  Other times, they are extremely grateful because I took the lead.  Occasionally, my apology is not accepted.

Sometimes, the individual I contact owes me an apology too.  Sometimes—if I’m very lucky—they reciprocate.  Sometimes—more often than not—they don’t.   Sometimes a friendship is saved.  Sometimes, a relationship is lost.  Whatever the outcome, I try to remember that I am only responsible for my half of any relationship.

So, I do it.  I apologize.  I do this not because I am a martyr, but because I just gotta be happy with myself.  I guess my reasons for apologizing are somewhat selfish.  You see, I gotta be able to respect who I am.  I gotta be able to close out yet another year without dragging the old year into the new one.  I gotta be able to close out the year without further ado and without regrets.

At the end of the day, I wanna be able to look in that mirror—gotta be able to look into that mirror—so, at the very least, I can review the coming year with less and less to apologize for.  Maybe next year, I’ll be calling just to say Hello!

Can anybody hear me?

Private vs. Public Apologies

Why is it that people who embarrass you publicly, only wish to apologize privately!!  And, that’s if they decide to apologize at all.  The apology should fit the setting of the offense.  If the offense was private — between just the offender and the offended — then the apology can be private.  However, when someone has attempted to publicly humiliate and degrade someone, then surely they must see the need for an apology that is just as animated and public.

Many people ascribe to just letting time pass and not apologizing at all.  They wait a couple of days, months or even years and then just show up or start calling, texting, or emailing out of the blue.  That alone shows a profound lack of empathy.  The offender clearly knows that they have done something wrong.  But rather than attempt to apologize and/or make amends, they prefer to wait for you to forget what they’ve done.  Worse still, if you don’t reciprocate, or rather don’t reciprocate in the manner in which they think you should, they make you out to be the bad guy, who is bitter and unforgiving.

Next, we have the reciprocal apologizers.  These are the people who will offend you and then apologize for it…but want you to return an apology to them, regardless of whether you’ve done anything to apologize for.  I call this a 50/50, shared blame apology.  Don’t misunderstand.  Sometimes a shared apology is necessary.  Nevertheless, in the majority of situations where it is asked for, a shared apology is simply not called for.  Often, it is the clear offender who wants to utilize this apology…as a way to “make things even” somehow.

Then, there is the forgetful offender. You know, the one that doesn’t quite remember offending you or who seems surprised that you were offended in the first place.  They infer from your taking offense that you are overly-sensitive and/petty.  This offender, to add insult to injury, does not mind telling you so publicly or privately, which leads us right back to the beginning.

The thing that many offenders fail to realize is that none of these apologies accomplish anything because none of them are real.  They are lackluster at best and hollow at worst.  A real, genuine apology is the only one that really works.  I say, be as quick to apologize as you are to offend.  I call this 50/50 shared responsibility.  Can anybody hear me?