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I don’t know about you but, I do the same thing at the end of every year!  Unfortunately, this includes waxing a little sad.  You see, it’s that time again.  It’s time for me to review the outgoing year, with as much honesty as I can muster!!  From the negative to the positive, I try to take an objective look in my mirror and assess what I have accomplished, who I have hurt, what I could have done better, etc!!

Yes, I said “try” because all you can do is try.  Mind you, I don’t beat up on myself or anything like that.  But, if I am minimally honest, I normally need to issue at least two to three apologies!

With any luck, the recipients will be unreachable!  LOL!

In the event that they are reachable, I contact them and just get it over with as quickly as possible.

Admittedly, apologies don’t come easy for me.  I guess if we are even remotely honest, not many people like to apologize.  We’d rather be the recipient of an apology.  However, I have found out it can be very medicinal, humbling and cleansing to your soul.

I try to tread lightly since I never know how the recipient of my apology is going to respond. Sometimes, the recipient didn’t even anticipate an apology from me at all.  Sometimes, I have to remind the individual of what happened and why I am apologizing—which somewhat diminishes either my remaining guilt or the impact of the groveling.  Other times, they are extremely grateful because I took the lead.  Occasionally, my apology is not accepted.

Sometimes, the individual I contact owes me an apology too.  Sometimes—if I’m very lucky—they reciprocate.  Sometimes—more often than not—they don’t.   Sometimes a friendship is saved.  Sometimes, a relationship is lost.  Whatever the outcome, I try to remember that I am only responsible for my half of any relationship.

So, I do it.  I apologize.  I do this not because I am a martyr, but because I just gotta be happy with myself.  I guess my reasons for apologizing are somewhat selfish.  You see, I gotta be able to respect who I am.  I gotta be able to close out yet another year without dragging the old year into the new one.  I gotta be able to close out the year without further ado and without regrets.

At the end of the day, I wanna be able to look in that mirror—gotta be able to look into that mirror—so, at the very least, I can review the coming year with less and less to apologize for.  Maybe next year, I’ll be calling just to say Hello!

Can anybody hear me?

After looking carefully at myself in the mirror, I find that I am not at all pleased with what I see.  Sound familiar?  However, I am not discussing having too much hips or thunder thighs.  No.  I am discussing the person that I have allowed myself to become – to others.

All my life I have been the comforter for whatever relationship I am in.  Be it in relationships with men, women or children, if I can help in any way, I have tried to do so.  If I had the money, and money would help your situation, I provided that.  If it was emotional support that was required, I provided that.  If it was of a spiritual nature, then I became that spiritual guide.  I am, at heart, a helper but, sometimes, the helper needs help.  Who do I turn to?

Well, let me tell you, it is not to the so-called friends that I have assisted in any way, shape or form throughout my life.  How do I know this?  I attempted to do just that.  I contacted the individuals who write to me almost on a daily basis and decided to tell them about my dreams for my life.  I’m not really one to do that.  What did I do that for?

All I received was the cold hard facts of life.  I was told in no uncertain terms that I needed to stop complaining, b*tching and moaning and that I should do something about achieving my dreams.  I am not commenting on whether or not the advice was sound; what I am saying is that I received none of the support from these same individuals who seek me out to receive support and guidance for themselves.  If I were suicidal, I almost certainly would have killed myself due to the frustration and lack of empathy that I was meeting with.  I learned that I was burdening them with my “complaint” and that I needed to “move on.”  After two emails, they grew tired.  In other words, they only want to deal with the happy “me.”  They only want the me that is happy all the time—without problems of her own—and is therefore available to be a listening ear and a shoulder for them to cry on.

At first, I thought that because I am always the counselor they were simply unprepared to deal with my needing nurturing.  However, after I made it clear that I was indeed seeking nurturing from them, my needs were still mostly ignored.  I received scorn.  So, I retreated, but not before telling them what I really thought of their lack of patience, concern and understanding for me.  That was a new trick for me.  Normally, I would have retreated without ever letting them know how I really felt and done exactly what they said…”move on” and allow my own hurt to be pushed aside to make room for theirs.  Maybe, I’ll give that mirror trick another try!  I just might like what I see this time.  Can anybody hear me?