You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2018.

As another year comes to an end, I find myself experiencing an emotion that I feel almost every year now.  In fact, as far back as I can remember, I’ve felt the same way year after year.  The funny thing is, despite what I just said, I can barely even remember what actually took place during the year.

Don’t misunderstand.  This isn’t a memory issue—this time.  I remember eating, sleeping, praying, shopping, working, cleaning, eating, writing, reading, eating…but not necessarily in that order.  You get the point.

But, here’s the thing, what I don’t remember is having any particular feelings associated with these actions.  How can that be?

How could I have vivid memories of the actions but not feel any more about them than I do throwing a napkin away?

You might be saying, so what?  If you are, does that mean you do remember?  Does it mean that you don’t remember either or that you really don’t care?  That’s fine either way.  But, I really want to know if anybody else has forgotten or if it’s just me?  And, more than that, is this how it’s supposed to be?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t feel sad or even depressed.  But, I can’t say that I feel happy either.  And, that’s almost the problem!

Aren’t I supposed to feel something?  All the time?  Most of the time?  Sometimes?

Shouldn’t I know which one I’m feeling at any given time?  Does anybody know or are the people who seem to know just faking?  Or maybe pretending is a better word?  Acting like they think they are supposed to act?

To be clear, I find myself completing the actions I did mention with proficiency, but it’s almost like a checklist.  I’m borderline robotic.

In fact, I seem to get the most satisfaction from completing the listed task (and thus checking it off for a time) rather than from participating in any of them.

Now that I think about it, the fact that I refer to them as tasks is probably cause for some of my uneasiness and concern.

When did life become just a series of tasks to complete?

On the flip side, I could be making more of the situation than it warrants.  Maybe I’m just an ordinary, everyday person who feels like every other ordinary, everyday person who is simply trying to confirm my ordinary, everyday status in a world where the ordinary and the everyday is always under attack for not being extraordinary.

But, what does extraordinary really mean?   Would I perform my tasks with a smile, if I were more extraordinary?

I don’t know but, I’m sure willing to give it a try!

Can anybody hear me?

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