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I must confess, I’m not a really big fan of psychology. I don’t so much mind the focus of psychology—that is, the mind. I guess it is the application of it that I take issue with. Specifically, I don’t like how it is being used today. It seems as though people are being convinced that they cannot move on with their lives unless they return to the past and deal with every single hurt, every single disappointment, every single person who hurt them, etc., from childhood. So, instead of working through their disappointments and coming to the realization that they, just like the people who hurt them, can also be the source of somebody else’s pain, they are constantly on a deep sea diving expedition for a treasure that doesn’t exist. In their attempt to heal their own hurt, they end up trying to force others to relive the past, trying to re-write the past or, worse, forcing people to be someone they are not and, sometimes, never will be.

This school of thought—this position—is flawed from the outset. True healing cannot be dependent upon someone else. Approaching your mother, your father, the bully at school etc., and telling them how you feel about them and/or what you feel they didn’t do or should have done etc., can sometimes put you in the position of being disrespectful, being disbelieved and could even lead to further hurt. Oftentimes, the individual who caused you so much pain has gone on with their lives, oblivious to the suffering they have caused. More often than not, they could care less about having caused you and/or countless others grief. Even if they do respond positively, now what?

In the long run, YOU were the one who was stifled, angry, and unable to move forward. By spending so much time focusing on a single period of your life, not only did the other person destroy that moment, but you allowed them to destroy the rest of your life as well. You have allowed it to go on into infinity. You have empowered them to destroy your entire life, making you culpable in your own deconstruction.

My suggestion? Take self-inventory, especially after particularly painful experiences. Decide what can be used in a positive way and discard the rest. Also, take self-inventory especially after particularly wonderful experiences as well. Be steadfast in recognizing when you are the culprit and not the victim. Try to fix whatever you break. Remember, none of us are perfect. We all get hurt and occasionally we hurt others – sometimes on purpose. Nevertheless, we all have to move on!   Move forward! After all, life is truly too short! Get yourself off of your mind! Focus on your purpose not your pain.

Can anybody hear me?

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After looking carefully at myself in the mirror, I find that I am not at all pleased with what I see.  Sound familiar?  However, I am not discussing having too much hips or thunder thighs.  No.  I am discussing the person that I have allowed myself to become – to others.

All my life I have been the comforter for whatever relationship I am in.  Be it in relationships with men, women or children, if I can help in any way, I have tried to do so.  If I had the money, and money would help your situation, I provided that.  If it was emotional support that was required, I provided that.  If it was of a spiritual nature, then I became that spiritual guide.  I am, at heart, a helper but, sometimes, the helper needs help.  Who do I turn to?

Well, let me tell you, it is not to the so-called friends that I have assisted in any way, shape or form throughout my life.  How do I know this?  I attempted to do just that.  I contacted the individuals who write to me almost on a daily basis and decided to tell them about my dreams for my life.  I’m not really one to do that.  What did I do that for?

All I received was the cold hard facts of life.  I was told in no uncertain terms that I needed to stop complaining, b*tching and moaning and that I should do something about achieving my dreams.  I am not commenting on whether or not the advice was sound; what I am saying is that I received none of the support from these same individuals who seek me out to receive support and guidance for themselves.  If I were suicidal, I almost certainly would have killed myself due to the frustration and lack of empathy that I was meeting with.  I learned that I was burdening them with my “complaint” and that I needed to “move on.”  After two emails, they grew tired.  In other words, they only want to deal with the happy “me.”  They only want the me that is happy all the time—without problems of her own—and is therefore available to be a listening ear and a shoulder for them to cry on.

At first, I thought that because I am always the counselor they were simply unprepared to deal with my needing nurturing.  However, after I made it clear that I was indeed seeking nurturing from them, my needs were still mostly ignored.  I received scorn.  So, I retreated, but not before telling them what I really thought of their lack of patience, concern and understanding for me.  That was a new trick for me.  Normally, I would have retreated without ever letting them know how I really felt and done exactly what they said…”move on” and allow my own hurt to be pushed aside to make room for theirs.  Maybe, I’ll give that mirror trick another try!  I just might like what I see this time.  Can anybody hear me?