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After looking carefully at myself in the mirror, I find that I am not at all pleased with what I see.  Sound familiar?  However, I am not discussing having too much hips or thunder thighs.  No.  I am discussing the person that I have allowed myself to become – to others.

All my life I have been the comforter for whatever relationship I am in.  Be it in relationships with men, women or children, if I can help in any way, I have tried to do so.  If I had the money, and money would help your situation, I provided that.  If it was emotional support that was required, I provided that.  If it was of a spiritual nature, then I became that spiritual guide.  I am, at heart, a helper but, sometimes, the helper needs help.  Who do I turn to?

Well, let me tell you, it is not to the so-called friends that I have assisted in any way, shape or form throughout my life.  How do I know this?  I attempted to do just that.  I contacted the individuals who write to me almost on a daily basis and decided to tell them about my dreams for my life.  I’m not really one to do that.  What did I do that for?

All I received was the cold hard facts of life.  I was told in no uncertain terms that I needed to stop complaining, b*tching and moaning and that I should do something about achieving my dreams.  I am not commenting on whether or not the advice was sound; what I am saying is that I received none of the support from these same individuals who seek me out to receive support and guidance for themselves.  If I were suicidal, I almost certainly would have killed myself due to the frustration and lack of empathy that I was meeting with.  I learned that I was burdening them with my “complaint” and that I needed to “move on.”  After two emails, they grew tired.  In other words, they only want to deal with the happy “me.”  They only want the me that is happy all the time—without problems of her own—and is therefore available to be a listening ear and a shoulder for them to cry on.

At first, I thought that because I am always the counselor they were simply unprepared to deal with my needing nurturing.  However, after I made it clear that I was indeed seeking nurturing from them, my needs were still mostly ignored.  I received scorn.  So, I retreated, but not before telling them what I really thought of their lack of patience, concern and understanding for me.  That was a new trick for me.  Normally, I would have retreated without ever letting them know how I really felt and done exactly what they said…”move on” and allow my own hurt to be pushed aside to make room for theirs.  Maybe, I’ll give that mirror trick another try!  I just might like what I see this time.  Can anybody hear me?

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It never ceases to amaze me how quick we are to criticize one another or to proclaim that we “would not take crap off” another human being when we most certainly will and do.  In fact, most of us do every day.  What we should say is that we won’t take crap off of the individual that another person may elect to take crap off of.  Truth be told, each of us takes or has taken crap off of someone at our own discretion at some point.  Sometimes, even when we are actively taking crap off of someone, we are in denial.  We can clearly see that someone else is taking crap off of another and will point this out to them, often unsolicited.  But, we refuse to see when this same truth applies to us. That is, until we have had our fill.

You see, each of us has our own threshold for how much crap we are willing to take, even off of individuals we deem worthy.  Until that limit is reached, crap will continue to be taken.  This is why you cannot get someone to break up with someone else even when you plainly see that the person you are trying to convince is obviously being abused on many levels.  Another way to phrase this is that you cannot be pissed off on another person’s behalf.  Each of us has our own tolerance level and must reach that level on our own.  Each of us decides, consciously or subconsciously, who they will or will not take crap from.  If you pay close attention, you will see which group you fall into very quickly.  If you have to walk on eggshells in your relationship, then you already know that your position is not solid.  You are, to put it simply, expendable.

Intervening sometimes, even in an attempt to help, oftentimes prolongs the agony.  Some people have to crap out or hit rock bottom before they can walk away.  The shocking part in this equation is that the same person who may have thrown you aside for a minor infraction will allow themselves to be utterly destroyed by someone not worthy to tie your shoe laces.  It’s maddening, but it happens.  They have their list of crapworthy people, and you aren’t on it.  All your intervention did was shift some of the blame away from where it belonged and place it on yourself.  The only way to avoid that is to stay out of it and only get involved when they ask you to.  Another—better—way to avoid this is to re-evaluate your own crap list.  If you aren’t on theirs, ask yourself why they are on yours.  Can anybody hear me?