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Today, I have so much to write about that I don’t even know where to begin.

So much is happening so rapidly on this planet, in my family and in my personal life that as soon as I am certain that I want to write about THIS, THAT happens…and suddenly my entire course is changed.  Next thing I know, I’m writing about an ex, a horrible movie or the moon.

Oddly enough, I feel just as passionate about THIS as I feel about THAT.  How can that be?  You would think I would feel a pull SOMEwhere at SOME point!  But no.  Before long, I realize I haven’t chosen any topic and, to make matters worse, my self-imposed deadline for writing my blog is riding me like a pony.

Maybe that should be my topic?

Maybe I should write about how I drive myself crazy trying to adhere to a non-existent deadline that I created?  That should be interesting/entertaining for at least two to three lines, right?  However, I’m just not feeling it.

Maybe I should write about all the bombings, fires etc., that are dominating the daily News?  But, what more can I say about them that hasn’t already been said and said and said yet again?

Heck, by this point, even all the conspiracy theorists have already spoken.  Some have spoken more compellingly than others, but they’ve all had something to say.  Truth be told, I’m actually tired of hearing about them.  I hope I don’t come across as uncaring.  I do care; I really do.  But, enough is enough!

I’m also tired of feeling overwhelmed by all of the related details.  I’m tired of trying to categorize the latest tragic events in my head in order to make sense of them.  I’m tired of feeling like this next situation is going to be the thing that sets off the Apocalypse.  I’m tired of wondering where people’s heads are and how they think this is good or right.  I think it’s safe to say that I’m ODing on doom and gloom!

So, maybe I should steer away from tragedy?  Maybe I should write about something less ominous?  Maybe I should write about something happy?

But what?

Everything happening right now is ominous.  Nothing is lighthearted anymore.  In fact, I can’t even think of a lot of things that makes me happy long enough to forget the overwhelming sorrow that chases me daily.

So, I eat; I watch movies; I watch TV.  But with the news being what it is I try to steer clear of aggravating programs.  Unfortunately, this includes all awards programming such as the Grammy’s, the Oscars, etc., as well as the so-called “reality TV” genre.  But it seems like that’s not enough.  Lately, even the NFL draft has been getting on my nerves.

So what’s a girl to do?

Maybe, I should write about writing?  Yes. I can offer more than a few pointers on how to get your point across effectively.  I know a bit about that.

But just like the other topics I’ve already mentioned, I’m not feeling this one either.

Maybe I’m a little depressed!   Maybe I should write about that?  But I’m not really prepared to discuss depression whether real or imagined.

So, maybe I’m not depressed enough to write about depression?  Maybe I’m just sad…today?  Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about beautiful, blue skies and cotton candy.  Who knows?  Who cares?

Can anybody hear me?

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For some reason, my emotions have been up and down all month long no matter how much I’ve attempted to concentrate.  It feels like I’ve spent more time focused on being unfocused than I have on refocusing.  Hopefully, that makes sense.

Unfortunately, this blog very much reflects my temporary struggle.  So, my blog for this month, is essentially a blog about a blog that almost didn’t happen.

You see, I didn’t want to write that I feel overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time, even though that is exactly how I’m feeling.  I didn’t want to write about feeling sad and happy at the same time, even though that would be accurate as well.  Finally, I didn’t want to write that I feel tired and anxious for fear that you probably would not understand, think I was whining or just plain not care.  It just didn’t seem right to blog about feeling like a ball of contradictions.  I mean, I’m aware that everybody feels one or the other of these emotions at any given moment.  But, right now, all of them seem to be competing for attention in the pit of my stomach.

You might be more than a little curious as to how I can feel what seems like conflicting emotions simultaneously?  Don’t worry, I am too.

Despite all that, I decided, at the last minute, to go against my original thoughts and write down every word…regardless of how whiny or confused it may have sounded.

And you know what?  It felt good.

It felt good to admit I was, to quote the song, a ball of confusion.  It was freeing, almost like a release.

However, with that release, I fully understood that I need to either explain myself at some point or be indefinitely relegated to the whiner’s hall of fame.

And since I didn’t want that dubious honor, that knowledge created more stress and an even bigger problem for me.  In fact, it took me right back to the beginning, when I almost didn’t write this blog in the first place.

The problem was simple.  I didn’t want to have to explain myself.  I didn’t want to feel obligated to explain how I can feel all of these emotions at the same time because, I didn’t know if I could.  I didn’t know if I could properly convey on paper what I felt in my head and in my heart.

So, not writing anything down at all seemed like a real solution.  If I didn’t write anything down, there wouldn’t be an issue.  Problem solved, right?

Wrong!

Wrong and more wrong!  You know why?  Because the issues would still be there regardless.

But like I said, after writing it all down, I felt a weight lifted from me almost immediately. It slowly dawned on me that, as crazy as all of this seems, that I’m not alone.  Sadly (or happily as the case may be), somebody out there knows exactly what I’m feeling/talking about.

Somebody out there feels overwhelmed and underwhelmed, happy and sad, tired and anxious, old and young, encouraged and discouraged, fearless and afraid, hot and cold, smart and dumb, loved and unloved, sure and unsure, all at the same time.

And, here’s the thing, that’s okay.  That’s perfectly okay!!  It’s just another aspect of life that people don’t talk about or don’t LIKE to talk about because they want to appear as always together, always sane, and always normal.  But the irony is, if we are honest with ourselves, we can all attest that ‘normal’ can be extremely overrated or underrated just the same…and at the same time.

Can anybody hear me?