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Today, I have so much to write about that I don’t even know where to begin.

So much is happening so rapidly on this planet, in my family and in my personal life that as soon as I am certain that I want to write about THIS, THAT happens…and suddenly my entire course is changed.  Next thing I know, I’m writing about an ex, a horrible movie or the moon.

Oddly enough, I feel just as passionate about THIS as I feel about THAT.  How can that be?  You would think I would feel a pull SOMEwhere at SOME point!  But no.  Before long, I realize I haven’t chosen any topic and, to make matters worse, my self-imposed deadline for writing my blog is riding me like a pony.

Maybe that should be my topic?

Maybe I should write about how I drive myself crazy trying to adhere to a non-existent deadline that I created?  That should be interesting/entertaining for at least two to three lines, right?  However, I’m just not feeling it.

Maybe I should write about all the bombings, fires etc., that are dominating the daily News?  But, what more can I say about them that hasn’t already been said and said and said yet again?

Heck, by this point, even all the conspiracy theorists have already spoken.  Some have spoken more compellingly than others, but they’ve all had something to say.  Truth be told, I’m actually tired of hearing about them.  I hope I don’t come across as uncaring.  I do care; I really do.  But, enough is enough!

I’m also tired of feeling overwhelmed by all of the related details.  I’m tired of trying to categorize the latest tragic events in my head in order to make sense of them.  I’m tired of feeling like this next situation is going to be the thing that sets off the Apocalypse.  I’m tired of wondering where people’s heads are and how they think this is good or right.  I think it’s safe to say that I’m ODing on doom and gloom!

So, maybe I should steer away from tragedy?  Maybe I should write about something less ominous?  Maybe I should write about something happy?

But what?

Everything happening right now is ominous.  Nothing is lighthearted anymore.  In fact, I can’t even think of a lot of things that makes me happy long enough to forget the overwhelming sorrow that chases me daily.

So, I eat; I watch movies; I watch TV.  But with the news being what it is I try to steer clear of aggravating programs.  Unfortunately, this includes all awards programming such as the Grammy’s, the Oscars, etc., as well as the so-called “reality TV” genre.  But it seems like that’s not enough.  Lately, even the NFL draft has been getting on my nerves.

So what’s a girl to do?

Maybe, I should write about writing?  Yes. I can offer more than a few pointers on how to get your point across effectively.  I know a bit about that.

But just like the other topics I’ve already mentioned, I’m not feeling this one either.

Maybe I’m a little depressed!   Maybe I should write about that?  But I’m not really prepared to discuss depression whether real or imagined.

So, maybe I’m not depressed enough to write about depression?  Maybe I’m just sad…today?  Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about beautiful, blue skies and cotton candy.  Who knows?  Who cares?

Can anybody hear me?

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As another year comes to an end, I find myself experiencing an emotion that I feel almost every year now.  In fact, as far back as I can remember, I’ve felt the same way year after year.  The funny thing is, despite what I just said, I can barely even remember what actually took place during the year.

Don’t misunderstand.  This isn’t a memory issue—this time.  I remember eating, sleeping, praying, shopping, working, cleaning, eating, writing, reading, eating…but not necessarily in that order.  You get the point.

But, here’s the thing, what I don’t remember is having any particular feelings associated with these actions.  How can that be?

How could I have vivid memories of the actions but not feel any more about them than I do throwing a napkin away?

You might be saying, so what?  If you are, does that mean you do remember?  Does it mean that you don’t remember either or that you really don’t care?  That’s fine either way.  But, I really want to know if anybody else has forgotten or if it’s just me?  And, more than that, is this how it’s supposed to be?

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’t feel sad or even depressed.  But, I can’t say that I feel happy either.  And, that’s almost the problem!

Aren’t I supposed to feel something?  All the time?  Most of the time?  Sometimes?

Shouldn’t I know which one I’m feeling at any given time?  Does anybody know or are the people who seem to know just faking?  Or maybe pretending is a better word?  Acting like they think they are supposed to act?

To be clear, I find myself completing the actions I did mention with proficiency, but it’s almost like a checklist.  I’m borderline robotic.

In fact, I seem to get the most satisfaction from completing the listed task (and thus checking it off for a time) rather than from participating in any of them.

Now that I think about it, the fact that I refer to them as tasks is probably cause for some of my uneasiness and concern.

When did life become just a series of tasks to complete?

On the flip side, I could be making more of the situation than it warrants.  Maybe I’m just an ordinary, everyday person who feels like every other ordinary, everyday person who is simply trying to confirm my ordinary, everyday status in a world where the ordinary and the everyday is always under attack for not being extraordinary.

But, what does extraordinary really mean?   Would I perform my tasks with a smile, if I were more extraordinary?

I don’t know but, I’m sure willing to give it a try!

Can anybody hear me?

There is something in the air that I just cannot quite put my finger on; a vague disquieting feeling that makes everything just a little out of focus. Oh, I know what it is: It’s that everybody seems so miserable.

I don’t care who they are, where they work or what capacity they work in, their gender, orientation, religion or class, they are all miserable, just the same.

The pain shows on their faces, in their movements and actions as well as in their inability to be kind or helpful to others, even when it is within their power.

It feels like they are too mired in their own suffering to concern themselves with anyone else’s…or maybe they’re just unwilling to assist someone else in feeling better when they feel so bad. After I am kind to them in spite of themselves, everything comes pouring out! It all comes flowing to the forefront like an erupting volcano!

I cannot tell you how many times someone is treating me harshly, while I am ignoring the abrasiveness and continuing with the conversation in a pleasant matter, when they suddenly begin to tell me their deepest secrets!

Stranger concept at work maybe? That could be true in one or two cases but, for the most part, it’s not applicable. You see, some—in fact, most—of these people are not strangers. They are neighbors, coworkers, family members, the mailman, the bus driver, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, etc. They are fully aware that they will see me again. However, at that moment, they cease to care.   They need relief.

I get to hear all about their feelings of failure as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a son, a father, a brother, a sister, and a person.

I get to hear about their fears, hurts, disappointments, family problems, health problems, job woes and regrets.

The voices, the faces and the problems all differ, but they all seem to have one thing in common: They seem to be in search of/need someone to let them know that all is not lost…that it’s gonna be okay…that nobody is perfect.

In spite of my own desire to bury my past under a layer of concrete, I find myself discussing my trials and tribulations (past and present) just to let them know they are not alone. Sometimes reliving it is painful but, if it helps somebody, I do it anyway. I just want them to know that I really do understand what they are going through.

Some people just want you to listen. They don’t want criticism or advice. They just want your ear without judgment.

I try to provide that too though I struggle with knowing when to give what. If I continue to care about people the way I do, I’m sure I’ll master it sooner or later.

Still, I don’t seem to be making any progress on getting exactly WHY everyone is so sad. I haven’t even figured that out for myself.

Can anybody hear me?